Love You Forever

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch was one of my favorite books growing up - in fact, it probably still is my favorite children's book (right after Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day! :-)). The book follows the story of a mother and her son from birth until the mom is very old. Each page covers a different phase of life in the boy (baby, toddler, adolescent, teenager, and adult) but they each end with the same scenario of the mom picking up her son and singing "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." We read Love You Forever until the cover ripped off, until the pages were bent and until it looked like we had loved that book forever.

When I became a mommy on June 1, 2009, that book began to take on a whole new meaning. I began to understand what it meant to always think of your baby as your baby no matter how they grow. I began to understand what it was like to rock your baby for hours and hours, gazing into their precious little face. The first page finally made complete sense to me. Last night, the second page came to life as well.

"The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!" But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be."

Yesterday we had a day exactly like what was described. Braxton was on the tail end of battling Roseola all weekend and while he was acting normally health-wise, he was overly grumpy personality-wise. He was running around the house destroying one thing after the other. He pulled all the books off our bookshelf in the time it took me to go to the bathroom. He dumped his sippy cup on our suede green chair. He woke up from his afternoon nap almost two hours early. He was hitting me all day long. He would not listen when I would tell him to do something. He would not stop touching and flushing the toilet (and I couldn't close the door because we had clothes line drying in our massive guest bathroom). He had been in timeout so many times that day that he began putting himself in time out! More than once, I told Justin "This kid is driving me CRAZY!!!"

When Justin came home from work around 5:15, I was about to pull my hair out. And of course, Braxton becomes a perfect angel the whole time Justin's home. He was laughing, playing happily in his room by himself (a feat that had caused WW3 earlier in the day), eating his dinner cheerfully. He was a completely different child. Then Justin had to go to choir practice at church. Within 5 minutes of Justin walking out the door, Braxton did a 180 again. I was having trouble getting him to focus his after dinner chore (helping unload silverware). He was more interested in throwing the silverware on the floor. Timeout. Then he wouldn't say sorry. Timeout. Still wouldn't say sorry. Timeout. Asked him to say sorry. He sat back down in the timeout corner turned his head over his shoulder and said "BYE!" (I'm not even kidding! When was he 1.5 going on 15???). As soon as I set the timer for 2 minutes, I sat down on the floor in the kitchen and cried. I was so fried. I was done! This kid was driving me CRAZY! At the end of Braxton's 4th consecutive time out, he said "sorry" and we gave hugs and kisses. Bedtime couldn't come soon enough. At bedtime we prayed for Braxton to have an obedient, cheerful heart and for mommy to have patience. We earnestly prayed for the patience! As soon as I put him down for the night, I sat on the couch and zoned. I was exhausted from all the focus and attention he had required that day. I knew all the discipline and "discussions" would pay off and be worth it, but that didn't change the fact that I was exhausted.

Then Kaden woke up. He is really quiet during the day and at night likes to perk up and move around. It was around 10:00pm and I was so tired I just wanted to curl up in bed and end this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! But Kaden rolling around in my belly was preventing any sleep from happening.

Around 11:00pm after another hour of having nothing to do but watch my stomach bounce up and down and think about the day, I was feeling haunted by how horrible it was. I felt awful for the times I had lost my patience with Braxton. Did he lay there in bed thinking mommy didn't like him anymore? I know those aren't really rational thoughts, but it was 11:00 and my brain wasn't in the best shape. But then it had a brilliant idea...

I quietly opened the door to his room, snuck across the floor (because let's face it, 6.5 month pregnant women don't crawl!), looked over the side of his bed, and once I ensured that that baby boy was fast asleep, I picked him and rocked him back and forth, back and forth. And while I rocked him, I whispered (for fear singing would wake him up!) "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." He lifted his head, half awake and very groggily said "mama?" Melt my heart!! He nestled into my shoulder and went soundly back to sleep. I rocked and rocked and rocked. While I rocked I prayed for God to help me become the mommy Braxton needs me to be. I prayed for forgiveness for the moments when I wasn't an example of Christ to Braxton. I prayed for the patience to discipline with love and control. I prayed for extra measures of grace if we have a repeat of that day tomorrow. Isaiah 40:11 says, "He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he will gather the lambs with his arm, and carry (them) in his bosom, (and) shall gently lead those that are with young." Lead me, Father! Show me how I'm supposed to train and raise this little Covenant child because right now I feel like running away!

I realized there's nothing wrong with admitting a phase of life is difficult. It doesn't mean you are discontent or wishing you never had children. When you admit that something is difficult and you are struggling, you admit that you need guidance. Hang up the supermom cape and hang onto the Shepherd's Hand! There's so much pressure on moms to have it all together and to be perfect, when in reality we need to be gently lead by our Heavenly Father the same way we are to gently lead our children. We're not going to be perfect. We're going to stumble and fall and have rough days. But as I was rocking my baby, "singing" to him and reminding him how much mommy really does love him, I was letting myself be rocked and comforted by my Heavenly Father who spoke to my heart and reminded me "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living My child you'll be."